Friday, November 15, 2013

The Bald Chronicles

OK. So this is something that everybody seems to be facing these days. They cannot do away with it, or wish it away. The Thailavar himself, the one and only Rajnikanth, has it! Not even he can get away from it! This seems to be the one way ticket to all things related to doom and gloom. Rather, that's what all those hair products say!

In the little time that I have had almost no hair, I have begun noticing the small changes in my life, which I am chronicling here. Some of them are real, some of them just made up in an attempt to revive this blog, which has been really really dormant! In any case, because of the sheer number of people in this world, I am pretty sure at least one person would be able to relate to these!

The opposite sex, in their quest to evaluate you to make their holy matrimonial decision, would be completely blinded by the bright light reflecting from off your head, that they would miss out on seeing the sheer awesomeness that the rest of your face brings. You are already at a disadvantage when you realize your prospective partner making a Chinese face (-_-) (that was an attempt at the Chinese face, in case you were wondering) when talking to you, or holding her hand next to her eyes when facing you to talk to you. This is a guarantee of impending doom in your quest to get the desirable mate. To combat this, you go to a rather dark place with her. Of course, you tell the prospective mate that you want to have the "ambience" while talking to them! Very smooth indeed!

So you start combating this lack of hair by developing another skill. After all, its not the hair that matters, right? You will try to show off this new skill to her, to take her mind away from the "doom" that lies right in front of her face. Probably show off by cracking a few jokes. That ought to work, right? I'd say if any chick likes this blog post, I'm already halfway to developing my extra skill! *Wink Wink*

Your parents start giving very small references to your hairline in each and every sentence they speak with you, be it over the phone or in person. You will start hearing very subtle references to "grafting" operations when you are with them. This is almost always followed by the impending doom that awaits you if you do not do anything about the hair situation.

"How will any ponnu (tamil for girl) marry you?"
"Look at this boy, he has so many cases, its the hair!"
"Ayyooo Rama! Please do something about your hair, there is no way a girl is going to meet you! They will all stop at the photograph stage itself!"
"Here apply this oil everyday in the morning, massage it for good 15 minutes, all your hair will come back! And so will those ponnus!"

You have to give it to them though, they are more worried than you, given you don't have any candidates for matrimonial harmony yet. And with each passing day, your hairline isn't advancing.

So, in your quest to hide the effects of an impending baldom, you start combing your hair, or whatever is left of it, in such a way that the entire world "thinks" that all is hunky dory on the top of your head. In fact, more time will be spent next to the mirror moving each hair in place than in your breakfast table in the morning. That is a FACT! If that doesn't work, in comes those hats. Of course, hats won't work when you have to go to work in a corporate company. Your hand will spend most of its time on your head, moving the hair in place to make sure most of the bald head is camouflaged. This is in addition to what you would do in front of the mirror, when you walk, when you talk, it's like an automation that you have programmed your hand to do.

The colour of your hair wouldn't matter much at this time. You would actually be happy if you see white hair, because that is always better than having no hair, right? Each hair falling (from your head, of course) in your line of sight is met with the loudest shriek you will ever hear. It will be so loud that your neighbours will come running scared thinking that a murder happened at your place!This is in the beginning, however. Later on, you realize "Meh... just another one... tell me something new!" and go on to doing your usual hair camouflaging that you do in the morning.

You now try to use other accessories to camouflage the lack of hair at the top. You do this by wearing "reading" glasses, getting that intellectual look. Or even better, shave your hair off entirely, thus not having to worry about the lack of it.

You begin to notice the lack of hair in every person passing by. That would be the first thing you notice, and you try to find solace in the fact that everyone is in the same boat as you (rather you THINK they are in the same boat as you).

You always try to blame the baldness as a "heriditary" condition. But, lets face it.
Your grandparents started getting bald when they were 60
Your parents started getting bald when they were 40
You started getting bald when you were 20...
What about your children? Are they going to be born bald?

All in all, it does look like all's lost. Baldness is here to stay, and it's an everyday battle you will face from the day it starts to keep the rest of the hair in place. I wish all those people in this position all the very best! Rock on! Or rather, I should say, Hair on!


Wife of the coolest bald-ing guy... said...

I just chanced upon this article... Loved it... (Not the predicament but the Rock On attitude)

Am sure my darling hubby was thinking most of these exact thoughts during his going to see ponnu stages.

15 years later, 2 super kids with headful of hair in tow, we are having the best life..

Good Luck Bro!

Kartik Krishnamoorthy said...

Thanks!! Will need all the luck I can get!! :-)

Anonymous said...

Time to pick up that new skill and write your next post ?

Kartik Krishnamoorthy said...

@anonymous: Yes yes.. trying to post as often as I can :)